There is no way to spot a Dominant at ten paces. Unfortunately many submissives, and particularly novices, are impressed by these superficial things, making it easy for Dominant fakers. Anyone can learn to swing a flogger, talk in BDSMspeak, and wear 13 pounds of leather; but these do not a Dominant make.
If you want a quality partner you’ll have to take some time and get to know them. In some ways, choosing a good Dominant is similar choosing a good partner in general. In others it’s quite different because of the unique style of our relationships. They key difference is that when we go into subspace, we make ourselves vulnerable in ways that we may never do with a vanilla partner. This makes the D/s relationship far riskier and we must take extra care when choosing partners. Here are some things to look for, to avoid, and to ignore in your search for a quality Dominant.
A Dominant Is…
Respect
A quality Dominant shows respect to submissives, and to everyone. He or she asks questions about your life, listens to the answers, and doesn’t put you down.
Balance
A quality Dominant keeps a balance between their vanilla and BDSM lives. They can talk about their family, pets, other things that have nothing to do with BDSM. They have a sense of humor about the lifestyle, and don’t take themselves too seriously. Avoid Dominants with a chip on their shoulder, or who cannot hold a job or keep friends. Especially avoid people who complain about their ex partners or about everyone else in the scene. One day you will be the ex and they will be bitching about you.
Anal sex (or anal intercourse) include sexual acts involving the anus, including pegging, anal–oral sex, fingering, object insertion, insertion of the penis into the anus of a sexual partner. Anal sex has been around for as long as sex itself. The anus was probably the second body cavity investigated by Neanderthal Man or maybe the first depending on the sexuality of the Neanderthal. The first of all Dominants. Take what he wanted when he wanted. Master of his domain. So, we are at a loss as to when it became a perversion or taboo, something dirty or demeaning, humiliating or forbidden. When the term “Stick it up your arse” became a derogatory remark rather than a term of endearment. Who knows these things?
Anal sex is not exclusively and solely something experienced by gay men; it is very much a part of lovemaking between heterosexual couples. Men and women of all walks of life enjoy anal sex as an alternative to vaginal lovemaking. It’s not for everyone, that must be clearly understood from the outset, but for some anal sex has become an added spice to their erotic play. Yet another sexual experience to be shared between two people. Be it a taboo one at that.
The biggest hurdle some people have with anal sex is one small four letter word “shit”. “Eat shit and die mother fucker”. Yet another phrase we have all heard. “Shit” however actually plays a very small part and can be almost totally controlled although the bacteria cannot be. So the next hurdle would be the preconceived notion that: “It is dirty”. Well probably not anymore than having sex during a woman’s period. Or screwing for two weeks and not washing. Which ever way you look at it we are conditioned from birth against anal play. To understand some of the rhetoric expounded against the act of anal sex we must first look at where it has come from. Religion? Community Standards? Historical Records? Probably all of these things and more.
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Male genital torment, or CBT; cock and ball torture. Male genitals come in such a great variety of shapes and sizes. Each male responds differently to stimulation. I have found a few techniques that are suitable for most any male. I will be going into these and addressing more advanced types of CBT in a future issue.
Most men experience limited stimulation or repetitive stimulation and may find these techniques helpful in creating a more vivid sexual life. My man appreciates it when I bind him to the bed with his legs spread wide and his cock and balls exposed. I like to sit between his legs with my toys within reach. I use both hands to caress him all over his crotch. If you are not partnered, I suggest using latex gloves. I want him to feel relaxed and secure. It is important to communicate with him on what is working and what is not. I stimulate all the areas around his genitals with my hands, purposefully not touching his cock. I enjoy using a light feathery touch to start and build pressure up slowly. The hair is also receptive to stimulation. Stroke it, comb it with your fingers, tug on it. I will stroke his balls and capture them with my fingers at the base of his balls. Then I can stretch and pull them gently, slowly building the pressure. I let my fingertips glide over his captured balls, feeling the skin of his scrotum stretched over his balls. Remember what you hold in your hands and remember that he trusts you. Even though this may be a CBT scene feel free to touch other parts of his body. Tit play fits in nicely with CBT so give his nipples some attention when you play with him.
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Foot binding began late in the T’ang Dynasty (618-906) and it gradually spread through the upper class during the Song Dynasty (960-1297). During the Ming period (1368-1644) and the Ching Dynasty (1644-1911) the custom of foot binding spread through the overwhelming majority of the Chinese population until it was finally outlawed in the 1911 Revolution of Sun Yat-Sen.
There are several legends that endeavor to account for the inception of this custom, one is that the concubine of a Chinese prince named Yao Niang walked so gracefully that it seemed as if she “skimmed over the top of golden lilies.” At that time the “lily footed woman” or a woman with bound feet became the model in China. A second legend says that this concubine, Yao Niang, was ordered to bind her feet so that her feet would look like new moons. A third legend says that women bound their feet out of sympathy for an Empress with club feet. Yet another originating in the Sung dynasty (960-976 BC) in the court of Prince Li Yu, whose favorite concubine who was required to dance with her feet bound, toe-dancing an early variation of ballet, the royal craze moved down the social ladder, eventually reaching peasants who hoped to achieve higher status through smaller feet.
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First Time Play is different for everyone. How it comes about is different. Who it is done with. What you class as play. Different levels. Different situations. Different considerations. But there are some standards, that for safety’s sake, should be taken into account.
Many people had their first BDSM experience before the arrival of the internet. There wasn’t the same promotion of the SSC lifestyle, the lifestyle itself didn’t seem to be as cohesive as it is today (except for the Old Leather scene), and contact with other BDSMers was usually accidentally discovered or explored within relationships. There were no resources promoting safe ways to do what it is we do. Common sense had to be assumed.
For many, those first experiences occurred within loving relationships, where one partner bravely admitted a kinky desire to the other, and aspects of BDSM were explored that way. That was great…as long as the one doing the tying didn’t cut off circulation or do nerve damage. It was mainly trial and error. Something felt good…it worked. Something felt bad…figure out a way to do it next time that will make it feel good.
In a more current sense, with the advent of the internet, vast numbers of people now have access to information about the BDSM lifestyle. Whole new communities have sprung up internationally. Networks of BDSMers are commonplace now. It’s now easy to meet like minded people, if you have the courage to act on your desires. And, there are benefits and disadvantages to this as well. On one hand, the potential for meaningful, interactive relationships, no matter what their definition, is vastly enhanced. On the other hand, it also means that there are greater numbers of people seeking some kind of BDSM interaction with, sometimes, little knowledge of what it is they are actually doing or getting involved in. This means it can be risky. The idea is to minimize the risks.
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A UK BDSM club called Collared has taken on Facebook over its total ban on all kink and BDSM pages and groups, and has won a review of the policy. Last week Facebook wrote to Collared to confirm that it was actively enforcing a total ban on all fetish and BDSM content and that all fetish related groups and pages on its site will be subject to deletion without exception.
Collared had sought clarification of the policy followed the removal of the Facebook Collared Events page on February 4th. The Collared page was deleted by Facebook following a complaint from a site user.
However following extensive communication with senior staff of the company Collared has successfully lobbied the Internet giant to review the ban. Facebook is currently engaged in a wide ranging “internal dialogue” to clarify the prohibition and to determine whether a total ban is justified. Collared will be consulted throughout this process.
Facebook has reiterated that the review process will not necessarily result in a reversal of the ban. Instead it may focus on creating greater consistency, clarity and transparency in the enforcement of the prohibition.
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If you engage in percussion play – and it doesn’t matter if it is flagellation with canes, whips, floggers, crops, pieces of 4 by 2 or strands of liquorice, there are going to be times, more often than not, where there will be bruising to the tissue no matter how safely you play. It may be severe or mild depending on the level of play and the period one has actually engaged in that particular play. Some submissive/bottoms develop what is called the leather bottom, a thickening of the skin tissue in that area, especially if percussion play is a prominent part of their BDSM play.
Bruising is an area of discolored skin. It develops when the lining of small blood vessels are damaged, allowing blood cells to escape into the skin and tissues. A bruise may be very small and may blend in with the texture of the skin, or it may be large, swollen, and painful. A bruise usually starts out as a red area or as tiny red dots or splotches on the skin. Within days to a week or so, the bruise becomes more purple. As it heals, it becomes brownish-yellow. Generally, bruises heal and disappear within 2 to 3 weeks. To minimize swelling, pain, and bruising after a traumatic injury, always apply cold compresses to the injured area as soon as possible and keep them on for most of the first twelve hours, with occasional breaks to prevent excessive chilling. Take homeopathic arnica tablets and massage tincture of arnica into the bruised area. Homeopathic remedies, used as first aid, can soothe the pain and soreness of bruises that come from injury, reduce swelling and fluid leakage into surrounding tissues, and generally encourage healing. A carefully-chosen remedy may also help correct a person’s tendency toward easy bruising and soreness.
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Canes are stiff, yet flexible, regarded by most, and encouraged by writings of the Victoriana School Days of Boys and Girls, as tools for corporal punishment, which of course is true. However their other uses are often over shadowed by the impressions one has of them in one’s mind’s eye. In the right hands they can be sensual and in the wrong hands a nightmare. Caning, sometimes referred to as: the English, the English Method, English Discipline, or English Style, is an art form which takes practise. A lot of practise. An exercise in control not easily attained. It is a serious play implement, it is capable of causing serious damage and is not for use by someone who has read five web sites and hit a pillow a dozen times. It demands a level of concentration above that expected for other forms of BDSM play. If you seriously wish to pursue this as a form of play take the time to seek instruction from an expert. It is not something we would undertake in a crowded or small play space as a back strike could do as much damage to an onlooker as a forward stroke could do to the party being caned. One has to be extremely aware of all the safety measures, strike areas, density, resilience, length and diameters of the implements as they all account for a different effect. No two rattan canes behave in the same way and should be treated individually.
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Killian Skarr is a sculptor from Akron, Ohio who creates primitive devices of torture from wood, found hardware and leather using a chainsaw and a blowtorch, among other tools. His art has been seen at a number of shows, most notably the Dirty show 11 in Detroit. His two largest sculptures (weighing together around half a ton and currently crowding out his living room) were featured on stage during the Halloween fetish playland in Cleveland, and will be featured again at the upcoming Organgrinders ball at the Cleveland House of Blues, and at the Dirty Show 12. Let’s enjoy the pure, sexual, arousing and dangerous art from great artist Killian Skarr.
A primitive torture device is a morbidly rendered carapace, designed to achieve maximum psychological disturbance, carved into a form intended for the function of restraint and torture. This device is composed of sinister, organic structures imposed upon wood and leather and metal by the obscure and bizarre methods of Killian Skarr. A primitive torture device is a thing which persists in space and time like a perversion upon this world. But its existence preceded its physical manifestation deep within the insanity of Killian Skarr. An aesthetic is achieved that is dark, organic, and fractal, it is a twisting and arching in skeletal form, and each serves the sadistic function to restrain and torture the human body.
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Sadism is pleasure in the infliction of pain or humiliation upon another person. This term describes consensual practices, often sexual, but not necessarily so, within the BDSM community. Sadist is one who is aroused, excited, or receives sexual gratification from inflicting pain on another. A sadist does not necessarily take pleasure in inflicting pain indiscriminately; for most sadists, the pleasure relies on knowing that the subject is also enjoying the experience. But these terms may be also used clinically, in psychotherapy, to describe mental illnesses, psychopathology or counterproductive coping mechanisms. Sadism is not necessarily associated with criminality or murder. The term sadist is thrown around very easily, the word itself may send signals, may attract and is quite often used to paint a picture that fits the world of fantasy. A seal, if you like, of quality play to come for some. Forbidden fruit always tastes the best. Some may visualise themselves as sadists but that may not necessarily be the case. They may just be extreme in some areas. Have a particular bent that is somewhat darker. Dread… political correctness, is there are some that fit the definition of a sadist however display the controls within themselves to play safely. There are some that don’t.
The word “sadism” was derived from the name of Donatien Alphonse Francois, better known as the Marquis de Sade, a French author who lived from 1740 to 1814, famous for his works of sexual arousal driven by physical suffering. He was imprisoned without trial as an “administrative punishment”, for fear of scandal, after the publishing of “Justine”, and “Juliette”. Later declared insane he was transferred to Charenton Asylum where in 1814 he died of ill health aged 74. De Sade spent 27 years of his adult life in prisons, dungeons, and asylums throughout France for reasons that included “excesses committed in a brothel”, kidnapping and sexual assault, poisoning, and homosexual sodomy. The German psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing in 1898 gave sadism the professional definition: a sexual perversion with strong impulses to coitus, coupled with prepatory acts of maltreatment, even murder (necrophilia, then called “lustmurder”) which occurs primarily because of an inability to be satisfied with coitus.
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