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BDSM is not a solo practice. You need at least one other partner to safely satisfy that urge, whether you are dominant or submissive. Finding a BDSM partner is not easy and it takes time and patience.

There are many ways to find a partner. Ads in specialized magazines, social gatherings in the lifestyle (munches) where people in the BDSM lifestyle meet in a non-threatening situation. Also play party (private or public), introductions from other lifestylers, internet with forums, chat rooms (a good places to get to know others with same or similar interests) and dating websites. Some links with the biggest dating sites you can find below.

On the Internet you can find web sites and chat rooms in which there are people who are living a 24/7 BDSM relationship and they want the same for themselves. They crave that intimacy and bond that an established relationship has. They crave the sensations that physical BDSM activities give them, and the euphoria with which many people describe their sessions.

You should remember that there are about 3 times more men than women in the lifestyle. There are about 4 male Doms for every female sub and it makes the search hard. There are always a lot more ads for male Doms looking for a female submissive then there are ads for female submissive doing a search for a Dom. There are not many female Doms looking for a male sub. About 25 percent of players switch in some form. The best partner for a switch is a switch.

Women have the control in the search for partners in the BDSM lifestyle so men have to play by their rules even if you are a Dom. Usually, before a woman will accept to be dominated in real life, she will want to build a bridge of trust between her and her future Dom. If you go too fast and push too hard, you will simply alienate the possible lady prospect. Like a vanilla relationship, you must sell the social side of you before you can get further.

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you start at the beginning. First you sit down and identify who you are. You can’t possibly find a partner who will match you if you do not know what it is that you are looking for. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that parallel’s you.

You should allow your search to extend no further than a 200-mile radius (or 3 hour drive) from your permanent location. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics; they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems that are much less common “within” your local community. By limiting your search to your immediate vicinity you increase the potentials of finding a partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur.

It seems that many people think finding a BDSM partner has a different set of “rules” than finding a vanilla one. But in reality this is not completely true. When looking for a vanilla partner to committ to, one goes through the dating process. This is a period of time in which the people get to know each other as much as they can. Finding a dominant or submissive works the same way.

The “dating period” is called negotiation in BDSM. Getting to know each other as much as possible. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. Keep to the same ethics you would use for a vanilla relationship within a BDSM one and you will eventually find the correct partner for you. It also includes kink compatibility, which means finding out if what you enjoy physically is something your prospective partner enjoys as well. Learning these things takes time and does not occur in just a few days. It is through this getting to know each other process that one gathers enough knowledge about the other to decide if further intimacy is something they want, or if it is not.

When contacting potential partner’s in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Keep your conversation courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. If the person only has a desire to role-play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self-image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Do not feel any obligation for further contact. You have no agreement with this person and should not be motivated to a continued contact due to feelings of shame, guilt or any other emotion of like kind.

The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy or assumption of expectation can occur. Relationships are in real life. So safety is the first issue. Everything you do to meet a new partner must be done under this primary rule. Meet your potential partner in a public place, a cafe or restaurant for example, but never in the person’s house or apartment. The first meeting is strictly social and a getting acquainted opportunity. This should be made very clear at the outset, and any effort by the dominant partner to “seduce” the submissive should be seen as an act of bad faith and indication of a lack of trust worthiness.

A trusted person should know about the schedule of the meeting and should be called at an appointed time at the end of the meeting to confirm that all has gone well. Make sure a friend or someone you trust knows where you are and if possible leave a phone number or address.

If you have found a person you think s/he is the right one and you trust this person – enjoy and value this wonderful gift, it is hard to find.



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