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To Surrender Control

I hate articles that give basic dictionary definitions for things that can’t be defined in mere words alone, but I’m going to anyway. If we take the meaning of “true” as “fully realised or fulfilled”, and merge it with “submit” as meaning “to yield onself to the authority or will of another”, we have a concept of a person who has fully realised or fulfilled their submission by surrendering control of onself to another. To be literal, it can’t exist alone.

It raises some questions, and these questions fall into an “either or” context. The term appears exclusionary and somewhat elite. It says, a “true submissive” would live/behave/act/exist a certain way, which is undefinable in itself, and those who don’t live/behave/act/exist in that way are something else. Just a submissive?

I’ve learnt over time that submissives are unique individuals. There is no “one” way. It’s part of each unique personality and it’s given life by each unique interaction. The way my Master draws my submission is unique to us. Impossible for it to exist within a pre-planned structure of what is acceptable submission and what isn’t in anyone else’s terms but our own.

For those who understand the feeling of ownership, you will know that it defies description in black and white alone. For those who live their lives in full recognition of their submissive natures and have the blessed opportunity to share it in a balance of D/s, you will know that it also defies words. Many have shared their thoughts on it and each offers a small window through which we might gain a small insight. What you experience emotionally, spiritually and physically in context of a D/s relationship, however, is usually so intensely personal, words don’t need to be spoken. There is an understanding and acceptance.

So, what makes a “true submissive” different to a “submissive”? I would never presume to call myself “a true submissive” because the only truth is that which exists in me, in my Master and within our relationship. We aspire to nothing more than our own beliefs.

He owns me – body, heart and soul. My cunt belongs to him, my arse, my mouth, my breasts. He holds my heart in his hand, and he’s melded into my soul as my Master, my lover, my friend, my companion and my reason. My mind remains my own though. I need to function independently in my life. There are children to think about, work to be done, decisions to be made, bills to be paid. I need to not become a burden on my Master by failing in my responsibilities. My desire is to satisfy him, not impede him. I have to be able to bring my own perspective to the relationship for it to thrive in a balanced way.

However, there is nothing I refrain from sharing with him that he wants to know. He knows me well, he’s loved me for a long time. I have no secrets from him and no need to hide from him – physically, emotionally or spiritually. He doesn’t own my thoughts, but he allows me to express them when he wants to hear them. He rarely suppresses me, rather, encourages me to express myself and live my life to the full. The pleasure and satisfaction comes from being part of an evolving life.



What makes “the true submissive” so different? Are they a person who submits to everyone, all of the time? Are they so pliable that they have no independence or will of their own? Do they place their life/personal responsibility in the hands of another? What possesses someone to relinquish all control and consent to another person to the point where their own truth ceases to exist? I grew out of that concept when I left my parent’s home and discovered adulthood. I digress though. Are these things exclusive to “true submissives”? Or is it something that exists in part in all who recognise and accept the submissive within us?

What makes one person “true” and another not, or something else all together? And what is the alternative? A pretender? Or something less?

Or is a true submissive a perfect being? Someone who never falters in their submission at any given hour, day, week or year. Someone who blindly obeys, even when something is uncomfortable, incapable of being understood or accepted, or when it defies their own morality and self-esteem?

Or are they the submissive who reconciles life with a particular dynamic? Works with the flow and makes the best attempt to live a submissive life given the circumstances of one’s life at any given time?

See, I’d be inclined to think that the only truth in anyone’s life is what they carry inside them. There’s no yardstick to measure anyone else’s submission by. There’s no universal “true way”. There’s no blueprint for submission. There is being true to yourself.

I often wonder the “true” dynamic of anyone’s life and relationship who claims to be a “true submissive”. I’ve found the diversity in submission covers just about anything you want to name. People take from the submissive pie what pleases them, works for them and within a relationship, what is granted with knowledge. No point forcing yourself to go against your inner truth just to attain some ultimate goal of “true submission”. Who decides what that is, and where does it come from? Have I missed the BDSM scriptures?

The people I know and have known who are comfortable in their submission and their D/s relationships are strong, independent, wilful, opinionated, intelligent, playful, adventurous and sometimes downright challenging. What they chose to do, is submit their will to another and like anything, the flow ebbs. That’s the reality of life. It can’t be judged by others, and it can’t be set up against anyone else as more perfect submission. All it is, is what works for you and Yours, and where it comes from and what motivates you will be unique to you.

I obviously have a problem with labels. I can’t stand being boxed into categories or having others imply that the vast diversity of submission can be graded according to how much of one’s Self is given up. I don’t believe being submissive either by nature or by choice equates to abbrogation of personal responsibility and that includes being personally responsible for what choices are made, including the choice to give control to another.

It would dishonest and unhealthy for me to allow another human being to coerce me into a belief that what I was doing was his or her will simply because they deem it so under the guise of dominance. In my mind, that places far too much responsibility on another person. I need to take some personal responsibility in placing myself in any given situation, otherwise, where does that leave them when it all goes to shit? We’ve all heard the stories of the poor submissive who was unwittingly abused, but why does it happen to some and not others? Because some choose to think about consequences and the long term impact an action will have on their life. It doesn’t diminish the act of submission. It means it’s either possible with this person, or it’s not.

I asked the question of my submissive sisters and there was a resounding consensus that the only “truth” in “true submission” is what you carry inside. Individuality, intelligence, common sense and your own values are what give truth to the choices you make.



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