Webster’s dictionary defines communication as “the act of transmitting; a giving or exchanging of information, signals or messages as by talk, gestures, or writing.” In a D/s relationship communication is vital. So what are the ways to communicate with others so that needs and feelings can be related, but the lifestyle and emotional well-being of both can be maintained? It is important to find, understand and practice the different ways to communicate, keeping in mind a relationship with anyone should be based on honesty, trust and communication. Communication cannot exist without honesty and trust, and honesty and trust cannot exist without communication. If none of these qualities exist in your relationship with someone, and especially in a blossoming relationship with a Dom/me, then there really can be no relationship.
The dance of Dominance and subMission is an act of love in my world. It’s an acceptance of the roles we choose to live by. For some it is learnt…for others it comes naturally…yet others fall into it for a myriad of reasons. It can be as beautifully simple as deeply complex and to expect any less of a lifestyle such as D/s, would be to do it injustice.
On the surface, the notion of giving yourself for pleasure alone…of wanting for nothing more than to serve your Master…appeals deeply for some. It can look idealistically romantic from a distance. But what about within? What drives someone to surrender their control to another human being?
For me…subMission isn’t about being a submissive person full stop. I don’t define myself in terms of dominant or submissive in my day to day life. I am who i am without labels. However, i am submissive to one Man, and He i call Master. To Him i have given my control. Why?
Thoughts on switching and switches is quite the scandalous subject. Some believe that within this lifestyle, one takes on either the role of the top or the bottom. That there is no way possible for one to switch from a sadist to a masochist at the blink of an eye. They say switching is comparable to those that are bisexual. Being that those who claim to be not one or the other, but in between, are just confused.
On the other side of the spectrum, people say it is healthy to act out both sides. The desires are there whether they are of the curious nature, or a craving.
I am a switch, and this is why I like who I am and what I do. Starting off, I will let you know where I am coming from. Growing up, I was very dominant in my friendships and relationships. There was also a very sadistic side to me. It always put a smile on my face that I was able to control people, and inflict pain. Again, I was young, and had no idea that there was a label, and better yet a community where this was accepted and understood.
Punishment is not about rape, abuse, or degradation. If you don’t care about your submissive’s pleasure and well-being then D/s is not for you. People who consciously play with power exchange tend to spend a lot more time talking about their likes and dislikes than couples who restrict their lifestyle to scenes. If you are the Dominant in your relationship it is your duty to deal out punishment for the well-being of your submissive and your relationship. Punishment is carried out by the Dominant and accepted by the submissive because of the trust the submissive has for the Dominant. Your submissive will not always use their best judgment and it is then that they look to you for guidance. It is not only the Dominant’s right, but it is their duty to deal out punishment when it is called for.
What you use for punishment depends on your relationship and your submissive’s likes and dislikes. Katrina loves to be spanked and at times tries to push the buttons, egging Dominant on to spank her. For them spanking would never be a punishment. They have a small leather flogger made from thin strands of leather. The leather bites when it kisses. Katrina does not care for the immediate intense pain this can bring so it is chosen by Dom method of punishment. It takes the body a good twenty minutes to start producing its natural painkilling endorphins. (Remember this and go slow when doing a scene). Therefore you want punishment to be swift, not extending it out for hours.
There are many married submissives and Dominants who include their spouses, by passive participation, in their BDSM activities. On a number of occasions there are husbands accompanying wives as they meet a Dominant with whom she wishes to play for the first time. The husband is there for a number of reasons, probably the first and foremost being the safety of his spouse. There are Dominants whose wives not only condones the lifestyle choice but who also are on a best friend basis with the submissive with whom he plays. It takes a very special person to fill these rather large shoes, a selfless person who realizes that they are not in a position to fill a need their loved one has, in some cases a total obsession.
Rather than choosing to ignore the situation and eventually lose the loved one they take an active part in supporting their spouses and in doing so make both their lives richer for the effort. The soul searching that both have endured. The endless questions that both must have asked and answered in their minds and to each other. The human frailties and insecurities faced and conquered. The honesty and trust required. The vanquishing of the greater fear. The fear of losing the person whom you love.
People say in return “Oh he or she is just incredibly lucky”… ah no. Incredibly brave maybe. Accepting of the need of self definitely. But first and foremost an adult. Luck has absolutely nothing to do with it. The submissive or Dominant, as the case may be, actually stood on the abyss of despair, plunged the sword of truth through the beast of doubt and brought their inner most secret desires out into the light for possible rejection by the one person whom they loved. That takes a very special person indeed. It takes an even greater soul to listen and accept they are not meeting the needs of the other. And then to actually do something about it? Want only what is best for their partner.
The bottom line to success in D/s type of relationship is the same as any – common sense. Common sense means you think and apply logic to all you hear. It means you think, and question again and again. You trust your gut feelings. All of that is what common sense is.
A submissive has to remember she is a person with rights and a mind and must use it. A Dom has to remember the same thing about himself as well as the submissive. A woman’/man’s submission and respect is not owed to just any man/woman claiming to be a Dom/Domme.
If you have never taken complete control of another person and experienced TPE, you are not a Dominant. But, you have dominant desires and urges, it is your nature or life experience has made you this way. Since you were not born with the knowledge, techniques, skill and imagination required to take control from a submissive. As a submissive, you have not had the experience and growth required in total surrender of all control and power with a Dom/Domme, you are not ready to take the role on without learning the basics first. Here are a few baby steps you must take without skipping to a first meet and session:
Few topics in the BDSM world generate as much debate as does the issue of punishment. Whatever form it takes, it is an integral part of every D/s relationship, and is the source of much misunderstanding.
It’s important to understand one fundamental thing about punishment. By it’s nature, it is something that is not enjoyable. It is unwelcome, to be avoided, and acts as negative motivation (“I’ll not do this because if I do, something I don’t like will happen to me.”) Many novices confuse “punishment” for something that is erotic and enjoyable: a spanking, a flogging – something desirable. But it is not. Punishment is not play. Punishment is meant for one reason only: to alter behavior. It is a useful and necessary tool, and exists in some form in every close relationship we have. With it, dominants can teach submissives how to behave and help submissives modify their behavior to better please.
There is only one fundamental offense: displeasing the dominant. Failing to do so or intentionally displeasing the dominant is grounds for punishment, and it is the dominant alone who makes the decision as to whether or not the submissive has been pleasing. Punishment can take many forms – from a disapproving look to a beating – and is limited only by your imagination and how well you know your submissive.
Is there too much corporal punishment in the scene? It is the easy way out for many dominants. Often it is a reaction, rather than something that is considered. It takes much more effort to come up with a non-physical method of correction. Many of us were brought up with corporal punishment, learning that misbehavior should lead to physical pain. Those social influences can be very powerful. In the long run, however, physical punishment is usually the least effective way to alter behavior.
There is no way to spot a Dominant at ten paces. Unfortunately many submissives, and particularly novices, are impressed by these superficial things, making it easy for Dominant fakers. Anyone can learn to swing a flogger, talk in BDSMspeak, and wear 13 pounds of leather; but these do not a Dominant make.
If you want a quality partner you’ll have to take some time and get to know them. In some ways, choosing a good Dominant is similar choosing a good partner in general. In others it’s quite different because of the unique style of our relationships. They key difference is that when we go into subspace, we make ourselves vulnerable in ways that we may never do with a vanilla partner. This makes the D/s relationship far riskier and we must take extra care when choosing partners. Here are some things to look for, to avoid, and to ignore in your search for a quality Dominant.
A Dominant Is…
A quality Dominant shows respect to submissives, and to everyone. He or she asks questions about your life, listens to the answers, and doesn’t put you down.
A quality Dominant keeps a balance between their vanilla and BDSM lives. They can talk about their family, pets, other things that have nothing to do with BDSM. They have a sense of humor about the lifestyle, and don’t take themselves too seriously. Avoid Dominants with a chip on their shoulder, or who cannot hold a job or keep friends. Especially avoid people who complain about their ex partners or about everyone else in the scene. One day you will be the ex and they will be bitching about you.