lifestyle
There are many married submissives and Dominants who include their spouses, by passive participation, in their BDSM activities. On a number of occasions there are husbands accompanying wives as they meet a Dominant with whom she wishes to play for the first time. The husband is there for a number of reasons, probably the first and foremost being the safety of his spouse. There are Dominants whose wives not only condones the lifestyle choice but who also are on a best friend basis with the submissive with whom he plays. It takes a very special person to fill these rather large shoes, a selfless person who realizes that they are not in a position to fill a need their loved one has, in some cases a total obsession.
Rather than choosing to ignore the situation and eventually lose the loved one they take an active part in supporting their spouses and in doing so make both their lives richer for the effort. The soul searching that both have endured. The endless questions that both must have asked and answered in their minds and to each other. The human frailties and insecurities faced and conquered. The honesty and trust required. The vanquishing of the greater fear. The fear of losing the person whom you love.
People say in return “Oh he or she is just incredibly lucky”… ah no. Incredibly brave maybe. Accepting of the need of self definitely. But first and foremost an adult. Luck has absolutely nothing to do with it. The submissive or Dominant, as the case may be, actually stood on the abyss of despair, plunged the sword of truth through the beast of doubt and brought their inner most secret desires out into the light for possible rejection by the one person whom they loved. That takes a very special person indeed. It takes an even greater soul to listen and accept they are not meeting the needs of the other. And then to actually do something about it? Want only what is best for their partner.
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Unless you’re an adult movie model, have close relations with an extreme movie maker or work in the BDSM adult industry, you pretty much only see models in one light. You never really got to see the real person that is performing these extreme acts and feats. It’s time to get acquainted with the real BDSM model Suzy who starred in the movies for Dr. Lomp website (previously known as Elite Pain).
A: Suzy is real, but my last name is other of course.
A: I am 22 years old; I work as a nurse in a hospital. I spend my evenings in a go-go bar as a dancer. On my day off I spend time with my friends and hobbies.
A: I love arts, such as music, painting and the process of creation itself. In my free time I go to concerts and tryouts. In addition I read a lot.
A: I would love to take up psychology or something human-centered. I speak German, English; also I would like to learn Russian. In the last few years I played in several bands and participated in the creation of some musical web-pages. I also love to write album reviews, interview bands, shoot pictures on concerts. Sometimes I organize them also, alongside with festivals. I love to help amateur bands improve (giving them tips about their album and artwork). Lately I began to write blogs, give fashion tips and keep myself updated in these matters. I am planning to write a book, mainly about myself because a lot of cool stuff happened to me that might interest others.
The bottom line to success in D/s type of relationship is the same as any – common sense. Common sense means you think and apply logic to all you hear. It means you think, and question again and again. You trust your gut feelings. All of that is what common sense is.
A submissive has to remember she is a person with rights and a mind and must use it. A Dom has to remember the same thing about himself as well as the submissive. A woman’/man’s submission and respect is not owed to just any man/woman claiming to be a Dom/Domme.
If you have never taken complete control of another person and experienced TPE, you are not a Dominant. But, you have dominant desires and urges, it is your nature or life experience has made you this way. Since you were not born with the knowledge, techniques, skill and imagination required to take control from a submissive. As a submissive, you have not had the experience and growth required in total surrender of all control and power with a Dom/Domme, you are not ready to take the role on without learning the basics first. Here are a few baby steps you must take without skipping to a first meet and session:
There is no way to spot a Dominant at ten paces. Unfortunately many submissives, and particularly novices, are impressed by these superficial things, making it easy for Dominant fakers. Anyone can learn to swing a flogger, talk in BDSMspeak, and wear 13 pounds of leather; but these do not a Dominant make.
If you want a quality partner you’ll have to take some time and get to know them. In some ways, choosing a good Dominant is similar choosing a good partner in general. In others it’s quite different because of the unique style of our relationships. They key difference is that when we go into subspace, we make ourselves vulnerable in ways that we may never do with a vanilla partner. This makes the D/s relationship far riskier and we must take extra care when choosing partners. Here are some things to look for, to avoid, and to ignore in your search for a quality Dominant.
A Dominant Is…
Respect
A quality Dominant shows respect to submissives, and to everyone. He or she asks questions about your life, listens to the answers, and doesn’t put you down.
Balance
A quality Dominant keeps a balance between their vanilla and BDSM lives. They can talk about their family, pets, other things that have nothing to do with BDSM. They have a sense of humor about the lifestyle, and don’t take themselves too seriously. Avoid Dominants with a chip on their shoulder, or who cannot hold a job or keep friends. Especially avoid people who complain about their ex partners or about everyone else in the scene. One day you will be the ex and they will be bitching about you.
First Time Play is different for everyone. How it comes about is different. Who it is done with. What you class as play. Different levels. Different situations. Different considerations. But there are some standards, that for safety’s sake, should be taken into account.
Many people had their first BDSM experience before the arrival of the internet. There wasn’t the same promotion of the SSC lifestyle, the lifestyle itself didn’t seem to be as cohesive as it is today (except for the Old Leather scene), and contact with other BDSMers was usually accidentally discovered or explored within relationships. There were no resources promoting safe ways to do what it is we do. Common sense had to be assumed.
For many, those first experiences occurred within loving relationships, where one partner bravely admitted a kinky desire to the other, and aspects of BDSM were explored that way. That was great…as long as the one doing the tying didn’t cut off circulation or do nerve damage. It was mainly trial and error. Something felt good…it worked. Something felt bad…figure out a way to do it next time that will make it feel good.
In a more current sense, with the advent of the internet, vast numbers of people now have access to information about the BDSM lifestyle. Whole new communities have sprung up internationally. Networks of BDSMers are commonplace now. It’s now easy to meet like minded people, if you have the courage to act on your desires. And, there are benefits and disadvantages to this as well. On one hand, the potential for meaningful, interactive relationships, no matter what their definition, is vastly enhanced. On the other hand, it also means that there are greater numbers of people seeking some kind of BDSM interaction with, sometimes, little knowledge of what it is they are actually doing or getting involved in. This means it can be risky. The idea is to minimize the risks.
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A Vancouver man’s enthusiasm for bondage and his pagan beliefs were not the reason he was denied a permit to drive a limousine, the B.C. Human Rights Tribunal has ruled. Peter Hayes had alleged that the Vancouver Police Board and specifically Const. Kevin Barker denied him a chauffeur’s permit because of his religion and sexual orientation. But tribunal member Heather MacNaughton wrote in a decision dismissing Hayes’s complaint Tuesday that police legitimately believed Hayes “posed a risk of acting violently, coercively or inappropriately towards customers as a limousine driver.”
According to tribunal documents, Hayes says that he is a practicing Pagan and that his sexual orientation is BDSM. Hayes describes himself as a “lifestyler” who wants BDSM to permeate all aspects of his life. He is also bisexual and enjoys the company of multiple sexual partners. He applied for a chauffeur’s permit with the Vancouver Police Department’s taxi unit in May 2005, and was interviewed by Barker, who was tasked with vetting his application.
Hayes arrived at the interview dressed all in black: black trench coat, black shirt, black dress pants, black tie and shiny black military boots. When Barker asked what the occasion was for all the black, Hayes testified that he said he always wore black, like many Pagans.
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BDSM is not a solo practice. You need at least one other partner to safely satisfy that urge, whether you are dominant or submissive. Finding a BDSM partner is not easy and it takes time and patience.
There are many ways to find a partner. Ads in specialized magazines, social gatherings in the lifestyle (munches) where people in the BDSM lifestyle meet in a non-threatening situation. Also play party (private or public), introductions from other lifestylers, internet with forums, chat rooms (a good places to get to know others with same or similar interests) and dating websites. Some links with the biggest dating sites you can find below.
On the Internet you can find web sites and chat rooms in which there are people who are living a 24/7 BDSM relationship and they want the same for themselves. They crave that intimacy and bond that an established relationship has. They crave the sensations that physical BDSM activities give them, and the euphoria with which many people describe their sessions.
You should remember that there are about 3 times more men than women in the lifestyle. There are about 4 male Doms for every female sub and it makes the search hard. There are always a lot more ads for male Doms looking for a female submissive then there are ads for female submissive doing a search for a Dom. There are not many female Doms looking for a male sub. About 25 percent of players switch in some form. The best partner for a switch is a switch.
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